Puberty hit early for me. I developed in the fourth grade and contrary to my own beliefs, I was a double d by eighth. However breast are irrelevant, this is about the bum. Here are five problems only Big Booty Judy’s understand:
The Accused: Where’s the remote? Where’s my cellphone? Let the persecution begin. There you are minding your business, when a disgruntle, frustrated searcher demands you stand up. Get up, you’re probably sitting on it. Personally offended. “I’m so sick of you guys accusing me, I would feel it. It’s not always under my butt!” Get up, they say stoic and certain.
Gravitational Force: Yes bitch, you were sitting on the remote and the cellphone (been losing the controller since 97′). For some reason beyond physics, logic and comprehension, if certain items are near your bum it will disappear. That booty is a gravitational force field on it’s own. Next time, and there will be a next time, just get the hell up, you’re wrong.
Pushing Cushion: You don’t feel anything when you have all that ass. Legit the cushion feels no pushing, so you genuinely believe that there’s nothing underneath you, sometimes you don’t even feel an ass slap.
Belted Bum: Finding a pair of pants that fits your donk, dope! Until you realize how much space is in the waist. Tailoring your jeans becomes a must if you’re not a belt owner. My trick is buying jeans from Uniqlo, they are like denim jeggings that contort to your shape. If you have any other brands that do this let me know.
Cheeky Short Shorts: Those cute cutoffs that small to flat booty girls wear are a no for you boo boo. When you have a lot of back those types of shorts make you look hookerish, for lack of a better word. In some instances it works, at the beach, maybe a cookout, never with kids or cops around. Lest you look like you’re soliciting.
Did I miss anything? What would you add to this list? Photo: Nicki Minaj