It’s our second ever Nepo-Baby Grades! This year I’m focusing exclusively on the nepotism recipient, parents can no longer contribute to family grades. People who haven’t made a significant change have been removed. Miley Cyrus is never going to not get an A, ya know? She exceeded her parents, excelling by leaps and bounds. There have been a few new additions as well. Let’s begin!
Denzel Washington: A+, John David Washington is still incredibly talented, handsome and humble af. Black excellence.
The Olsens: A+, Congratulations are in order, Ashley Olsen had a baby this past summer! Making talented sisters, Mary-Kate and Elizabeth Olsen aunts. Bless baby Otto with a childhood filled with the joy and fun his mother gave me during mine.
The Baldwins/Bieber: D, same reasons as last year (read First Ever NEPO-BABY Grades). They went down due to Hailey Baldwin Bieber becoming worse as she ages. Satanic coven (read Selena Gomez Is L’Wren Scott and Power Couple “Coincidence”), unearned accolades, zero remorse.
The Hadid’s: F, this is 100% due to Gigi Hadid and her father. Bella Hadid increased this grade humbling herself, aligning her actions with the almighty GOD, being the Able to her sisters Cain. Unfortunately Gigi’s horrific, hypocritical, entitled, racist, hateful, satanic energy (along with the rest of her family) caused a war (read Now You Care But I Don’t). She’s also an attention seeking liar (read Irina, Bradley And Gigi Are Liars). These issues were far too great to overlook. Has anybody apologized to Zayn? Like that’s the thing, they don’t feel bad about their actions, they feel bad they didn’t get away with it. That there are consequences.
The Crawfords: C, Kaia still isn’t serving face. If Kaia Gerber is passionate about anything in life, I don’t see it. It’s not reflecting in her acting nor her modeling. This grade would have been lower, considering her mom’s satanic coven affiliations, but it’s about the nepo-baby this year. On the plus side, Presley Gerber stopped his unhinged social media posts.
Beckhams: D, Brooklyn Beckham can add failed Uber Eats pop-up to his resume, right under the cooking show that also bombed. His biggest success to date? Marrying Nicola Peltz, billionaire Nelson Peltz’s daughter. Does she hate her husband’s mom? Are they in a throuple with Selena Gomez? All of these questions stem from Nicola, the most interesting thing about him after, his parents.
Brooklyn, if you want to be a legitimate chef you need to go to school. This profession is an art that requires foundation and technique you need to master, before jumping to creative outlets. Your parents can give you the connections, as they did with Uber Eats, but you’ll get nowhere. The food speaks period, meanwhile you didn’t cook. You hired cooks, like a nepo-baby. Chef Michel Roux Jr. comes from a family of cooking legends, he would never embarrass them as such. He got his ass up and worked, like your satanic friends advise. How dare you? Grow up. Only skill will help you in this industry. Do you even know the different cuts of meat? Do you have knife skills? Too bad your family aligned terribly, you could have been a perfect fit for my ideas. Welp.
Surprisingly Romeo Beckham being a great model earned them points. Of course the only good nepo-model is under utilized. Romeo tells the story, serving face, body and that intangible je ne sais quoi.
Mosses: D-, whatever Kate Moss has didn’t pass down to her daughter Lila Moss, nor her sister Lottie Moss. Every time Kate does a shoot with her daughter, Lila’s lack becomes more pronounced. Lila doesn’t have to work for it and it shows. Every runway, every coveted magazine cover was earned by Kate. Lila deserves none of it, look at her October 2021 Vogue Hong Kong cover, it’s obvious she doesn’t know what she’s doing. But that doesn’t matter, because mama being fashion royalty can asks her friends to give you the campaigns, billboards and spreads.
The Smith’s: C, last year the parents were contributing to the grades, not anymore. Jada Pinkett Smith alone earned them an A++, she’s bringing the drama with husband Will Smith. I’m talking blasting Margot Robbie (we all knew), getting him banned from The Academy Awards, playing men at their own game. However, we need to see more from the children. Based on the success of Whip My Hair by Willow Smith and Jaden Smith’s acting, their creative expressions and business ventures, they have what it takes. They just need to mature, cleanse their circle and focus their energy.
I mean, their parents are bringing unpredictable, unmanufactured, grade A star power.
The Hanks: D, Chet Hanks is carrying this family on his back. Had I included the parents, this would’ve been an F due to Rita Wilson’s satanic coven. That’s not feminism, you’re evil.
Roberts: C-, Emma Roberts stays booked and busy, unfortunately that’s not enough. While Julia Roberts is one of the best to ever do it, Emma is not. Made worse by consistent and continuous reports of her bratty, hateful, entitled behavior.
Paltrow/Martin: B+, Gwyneth Paltrow did what she needed to do, even giving us an iconic trial. The outfits, the elitist nature of the case, the facial expressions, the trauma of losing half a day of skiing, the memes, the petty winnings of a single dollar, unmanufactured gold. What did she whisper into the optometrist’s ear? Round of applause to all parties involved. However, her children are getting attention without doing much of anything.
Kravitzes: C-, all Lenny and Zoe Kravitz have done is support hateful people, who if permitted would lynch them. Getting engaged to Channing Tatum would have been relevant ten years ago. Bored. Enjoy your time.
Depps: F, between her delusional comments regarding nepotism and The Idol getting canned, Lily-Rose Depp isn’t the vibe. For anyone else it’d be career suicide, but she’s a nepo-baby. She’ll still get cast thanks to Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis. I literally have zero interest in her professional or personal life, maybe her upcoming movies will portray her in a different light. One where she can carry a career without mommy and daddy having earned it for her.
Coppola: A+, Sofia Coppola is the reason people think talent is genetic. Actually the Coppola family in general, Francis Ford Coppola is the uncle of Nicolas Cage and Jason Schwartzman. All incredibly talented, even though Nicolas Cage takes me over the edge. Like why? Why everything? He’s one of the most outlandish, absurd people. The dinosaurs, attributing his acting improvements to his pet snakes and octopus…I can’t.
Apatow: B+, Maude Apatow has been gracing screens since childhood, after watching several of her roles I can honestly say she’s good. She has what it takes to be a serious actress. She’s a natural. Even those commercials she does with mom Leslie Mann have depth. Let’s see how her body of work progresses though, you know I love me some Euphoria.
Jagger’s: F, Georgia May Jagger is that your skincare line or your mom’s? The packaging screams modern 80s, the decade Jerry Hall reigned. Her influence is all over it. I know you wrote those anonymous reviews discrediting a legitimate company. You’re remorseless, entitled, talentless, racists, satanic, it’s not cute. Mick Jagger is still the most interesting thing about any of you and you ruined that. Jail and hell, that’s all these kids earned. A mess.
Richards: F-, Theodora Richards being entitled, hateful, not as sexy or enthralling as her parents, heavily contributed to this poor grade. If you don’t take your basic white ass on. The only lesson you taught me is that you’re stupid, a follower, and earned every terrible thing coming to you. Let me know when you match, or exceed your parent’s success, before you ever open that skeletal mouth. Your silver spoon came from black people.
Richie’s: A-, two words- quiet luxury. Sofia Richie is stepping her game up, her fashion has been on point, the wedding, the baby. I was going to give a B+, but again she made quiet luxury trend, to the point where people copied her. I know this is the handiwork of style icon Nicole Richie.
Nicole took her baby sister under her wing, proving she is a fashion pillar. Refusing to let Scott Disick be Sofia’s defining moment. The teamwork is what got them the grade. It reminds me of my baby sister, making sure she navigated college properly, wanting her to do better than me. Now she thinks people over 30 shouldn’t wear camouflage pants. I don’t know that I agree, but the level of editorial critiquing, I couldn’t be more proud. We did it Joe!
Harvey’s: D-, Lori Harvey is giving just a pretty face vibes. Beyond hanging with her satanic coven and dating, I don’t know what she does. All her dabbling hasn’t produced anything significant. Boreddddddddddddddddd. Boringgggggggggg.
Hawke: D, Maya Hawke doesn’t pop. She holds her own, but it’s just not star quality. Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke are incredible actors, top fucking tier. If you’re gonna follow in their footsteps, you need to step it up. It’s giving coddled, needs real life experience vibes. There’s no intrigue here, like why should I care about you beyond your parents? I don’t.
Ethan Hawke almost made me cry in Leave The World Behind, begging that man for medication to stop his son’s teeth from falling out. You understand? Moved to tears. That’s the caliber of acting your parents are on.
Johnson/Griffins: B+, Dakota Johnson is perfectly unhinged: the friendship with her bf’s ex-wife that irritates him- Chris Martin, the extreme mental health tactics, her dragging Ellen Degeneres living rent free in my mind forever. Beautiful, fiery, unpredictable. Now that’s intriguing.
Trumps: F, this went up from a minus due to Donald Trump shading that satanic family, despite his daughter being in their coven. Between Ivanka Trump and Donald Trump Jr. saying there are too many black people in his neighborhood, that’s a no for me dawg. Inbreds, it’s giving inbreds.
How did they fair to you? Via: Cosmopolitan Magazine/Getty Images
Updated:1/4/2026 11:42pm
