I Have Sex Like A Man

Pardon moi, I have better sex than men do. It all started with Cosmopolitan Magazine, as a youth I was obsessed. Hypnotized by the glossy colorful pages filled with female knowledge. My bible, dutifully purchasing every issue to hoard. One article talked about the elusive and revered G-spot. The best orgasm of your life, but barely found despite every woman for a fact having one. I was determined to find mine using their map. 2- 3 inches in, on the top wall of the vaginal canal, easier instructed than located.

I informed my boyfriend at the time of my mission to reach the peak of pleasure, the ultimate. The perks of the usually toxic male ego, he was more than game, just to prove nothing goes untouched by man. Day in and day out we tried to no avail. Honestly, if there were a vaginal ruler life would have been much easier, seeking something so small makes that inch between 2 and 3 a vast canyon. Disheartened I called it, the stuff of legends and nothing more. He didn’t, it’s science, it had to be there. After approximately a month it happened, I felt it, glory be and thank god for the supple fingered pianist.

Fear soughed through me when we broke up (the fifth of a million times), what if he was the only one who could activate my holy altar? Wrong, I couldn’t be more wrong, my best friend has never abandoned me. I orgasm from the aforementioned place every single time, multiple times, with everybody, and I don’t need an hours recovery for another round.

This is rare, 75% of women can’t achieve any form of orgasm without doing a litany of other things. Most depend on clitoral stimulation to get there, if ever. The ability to cum every time with no need for foreplay, just like a dude, the most magnificent of blessings (counted daily). Usually women have that one man, which is why we hold onto the no goods. Not my problem, granted the intensity varies with each partner, for the most part all penises cancel out. Meaning I genuinely enjoy sex, just for the carnality of it, I don’t need that one special person, I’ll climax without fail. I’m not dickmatized or dependent, if you aren’t behaving properly exit stage left. Now to keep me, you have to show me your soul, be a stand up human being and treat me properly, because a beautiful man is by no means hard to find.

I fully believe that if every woman accessed her G-spot, they would feel less inclined to stick with fuck boys. Am I right ladies, aren’t you with them because they are the closest to making you feel good? Photo: Tina Maria Elena

Watch This: Sex Explained

Wondering what to watch this weekend? Look no further than this mini-series covering the biology and sociology of sex. Why you ask? Well sex is a crucial part of the human psyche and experience. Plus you learn all these cool tidbits, here are eight that stood out to me:

  1. An ancient form of birth control, women putting various forms of animal dung in their lady parts. Yes, you read that right. Animal dung in your vagina. Thank god I exist here and now.
  2. Your sexual fantasies don’t mean anything, they don’t say anything significant or psychological about you…for the most part. It’s not that deep.
  3. Gay men on average have more older brothers than their straight counterparts. Leading to an antibody theory of sexuality starting in the placenta.
  4. Preference of body type depends on your environment. A test conducted on African men from the Zulu tribe, where AIDS/HIV runs rampant showed a larger size was favored. Skinny bodies were affiliated with carrying the virus. When men from that tribe moved to the UK, they showed a preference for skinner body types. Where you live says everything about who you find sexy.
  5. Identical twins are not attracted to the same people.
  6. When birth control pills first hit the market, they secretly tested it on women as if they were guinea pigs. Super unethical.
  7. The sperm that got you here had a 1/250,000,000 of making it. You know what that means? You’re lit AF and were meant to be.
  8. Black women are ignored when they express their pain at the hospital. Doctors often don’t give them drugs despite their pain, due to conditioning that they can handle it. Unlike their white counterparts who complain of being overly medicated. This is why the former has a higher death rate during childbirth.

Find this on Netflix and chill. Educate yourself. Will you be watching? Photo: F It Bruh

Sometimes You Dickmatize Me

Robin Isley

Crying was my full time job. I was a horrible example for my younger siblings, especially my baby sister. Out of four years, the first six months were the only good ones. We couldn’t stop fighting, but our big toes interlocked perfectly, and that was enough to prove we were meant to be.

You went home to Seattle for a week, leaving me to man our abode alone. I spent the first day solo productively doing errands. How fortunate were we, to live ten blocks north of where I grew up? So I could do our laundry for free at my parents house. After lugging it back to 99th and 3rd, it was time to find a better paying job. Attempting to send out my resume, I click the wrong icon and end up in your inbox. My heart seizes. Several ladies have replied to a men for women ad you posted on Craigslist, with bikini clad photos. Bile churns in my stomach. A flash of heat runs through my body, followed by a wave of chills. Try to stop a waterfall from gushing forward with the palm of your hand. The battle between my lower eyelids and my tears. I am heartbroken. How could you?

Confronted you accuse me of snooping, invading your privacy. Suddenly, I’m adjuring you to believe that it was an accident. That I was just applying places, please forgive me. This moment perfectly encapsulates our relationship. You do something horrendous and I apologize for it. Later you tell me you’re lonely in Seattle and just looking for friends. I stay. It takes five years for me to realize you were home, with all the people you know and love.

“Have you ever been hypnotized by the D? Dickmatized?” – Lucas Ross

I thought my friend made it up, but dickmatism is real. I couldn’t leave you, because the sex was so good I cried that time. Like your member was crafted specifically for mine. Yes, sex can be so good it blinds you to the emotional abuse, overt cheating, mean comments and overall deteriorating partnership.

There are many types of lovers, ours was the fate of karmic soulmates. Something unresolved from a past life together, we agreed to fix in this lifetime. This is why we loved so intensely, fought so hellaciously, break up, then make up. The cycle continues until the lesson is learned and the karmic debt settled. Then and only then can you move on.

Yes. Yes I have been dickmatized. Only when I learned to stop having sex with you was I set free.

Standing Still

Shawn Theodore

I didn’t like where I was coming from.

My roommate was a legit psychopath. Not in the everyday misused adjective type of way, but the real deal. Reading through the list of symptoms, she hit every mark, sending a wave of chills through my body. Goosebumps made fear visible. She thrived off sex, drama and literal filth. Dirty tampons, half eaten dinners, pizza boxes, hair extensions, blow dryers, used sex toys, to be pulled off the floor and used again immediately. Let your imagination run wild. Yes that was there too.

I didn’t like where I was going.

No one would let me enhance my service skills, by allowing me to be a server. Except this place. I am so grateful for the opportunity, but this restaurant is a plantation. White men using black spaces. I can’t get through my shift without being inebriated. On top of the drinks the bartender provides, I hide bourbon in my coffee, I hide a flask in my make-up bag. It’s like I’m trying to kill myself before this place kills me. When will I be free?

You are exactly where you need to be.

Says the proverbial universe, but why am I here? Why is god punishing me? The world hates me.

I am at a complete loss, when suddenly the clouds break. Looks like we can have that picnic in the park after all. My roommate gets into legal troubles. She’s screwed over every roommate, except me. I’m her karma. I leave the plantation with reparations.

You were never stuck, you were being rerouted.

Trust the universe it’s wiser than you.