Dating A Coke Dealer (2/5)

There was nothing serious for me about this relationship. Hello, he’s a drug dealer, I mean…duh. As a writer and a YOLO advocate I love experiencing as much as possible. My friend wanted me to keep seeing him for the free party favors. I’d been there done that, but all of this was new for her. When I found out I did E (which I hadn’t done since 18) on top of everything else, I was impressed. I still got it. Cara would have had a heart attack, but I was a connoisseur and a rockstar.

We were suppose to go to lunch on Monday when he vanished. It was abrupt. I was convinced my ex boss got rid of him, as he had countless others. Cara decided to use a text free number, she wanted to hang on Halloween. Indifferent, I didn’t mind not seeing him again.

“Meet me at Verlaine 8pm sharp.”
“Who the hell is this?” He replied.
“Sir, we have business to attend to, just meet me there.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about and I don’t have messages from you prior. Fuck Outta here.”

He started messaging me again saying my former boss had nothing to do with his disappearance, he was just self-absorbed. Cara took it upon herself to message him using her real identity, without my permission, asking him about it. We met up for my friend Denise’s birthday. Boy did things take a turn. I won’t go into the full details of that epic night. The one where I was reborn, but it ended with Denise discovering he had a girlfriend of five years that he lived with. This is what she told me as he sat between us, at some private party at the Soho Grand.

“Yeah I live with my girlfriend, but I’m courting your friend.”
A cheater AND a liar. I informed him I don’t hook up with taken men.

“By the way that was me and Cara messaging you about Verlaine,” I too had secrets.
“That was you?”
“Now I know why you were ignoring me.”
He just gawked astonished.

The next day he messaged me he left her and moved out.

I was irritated beyond belief. I called Denise, cursing her for not keeping the information until after I boned him. Now he was changing his life with the delusion of a happy ending that would never come. He messaged me everyday multiple times a day. He was obsessed.

“Let’s meet up for dinner, or you can come to my place and we can order in?”

Sweet Release


I am free.

I recently sprouted wings and moved out of an apartment I was living in for two years. The energy was just negative and the vibe was tumultuous. But the most important thing about the apartment, is that my roommate worked for my former boss at another establishment, and was spying on me. I couldn’t fart, breathe or sleep without my every move being reported. When she left for L.A, I thought it was over, but she just moved her best friend in, so he could keep tabs.

I was being stifled. How can anyone call a place home when you are under someone’s eye constantly? It started to cause me psychological trauma. I couldn’t be myself, I couldn’t bring a man over and let him ravish me sans consequences.

Finally I am free. After an arduous first week of retrograde I started to feel alive again, in places I didn’t know I had died. I absconded an emotionally abusive situation. I’m going out again with friends, beautifying my body, I’m dating who I want, when I want, but most importantly I’ve fully fallen in love with myself. Like full on head over heels for me. I can’t go into the details here, but last Thursday at the Soho Grand I was reborn. I watched men I just met fight over me, I changed an entire person’s life, just so they could court me. I realized right then, no wonder he’s obsessed with me. I’m amazing. Of course brother’s would fight over me, of course married men still stalk me. Of course successful womanizers go mad. I am worth it, all the pain I suffered was worth it, for me to feel the way I feel about myself today. I wish this feeling on everyone. It’s the best one I’ve ever had.

My next step is to decipher why I attract emotionally toxic partners (he’s not my first) and dismantle that. What you don’t heal you pass on to your children (I’ll write a post about that later). So I’m asking you, how do you feel today? Do you think you’re worth it? Do you love yourself? Are you in love with yourself? Why or why not?

And to you, the man still tapping my phone. Thank you, I forgive you. I needed you to break my heart, my soul into pieces. You shattered me in ways I didn’t think humanly possible. No one can ever do that again, no one ever will. I’m no longer in love with you, haven’t been for a long time, but I love you for this gift you’ve given me, but also…fuck you.

Artist: Pepi Art

Enough For Everyone

“That’s how you get attention.” When she asked to do a lap around the bar of the Soho Grand her motive was unclear. This is something I would never condone; attention seeking is tactless, desperate and shows a lack of self-love. Did she really need the piercing eyes of strangers to feel worthy? How sad. Additionally I don’t have that problem. I am constantly trying to get rid of people, akin to Larry David portraying Larry David on ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm.’ People can be tiresome, especially when they value the vacuous. Example A.

Ever since I encouraged her to take the Buzzfeed ‘How Privileged Are You Quiz’ our friendship blew to bits. Our results varied drastically, while I got very privileged Susan got not privileged at all.

Susan: You’ve been the only black person in the room before?
Me: Yeah plenty of times.
Silence…bleeding silence.
Me: I mean but I did grow up on the Upper East Side so…there were like three black families and I’m not even sure one counts, because he was adopted by a white family…

I ramble trying to make her feel better about growing up in a low income neighborhood. Why she cared so much was beyond me, but she retakes the test until she gets a better result.

Susan: Oh yeah…I’ve been the only black person in the room too.

The whole point of the test was an exercise in gratitude. But her ego coupled with insecurity morphed it something nasty. I told her she should be proud of all the things she’s surmounted, instead she gained an inferiority complex revealing a competitive, envious streak in her. In hindsight it was a side of her that was always there. Just to get one up on me she would damage circumstances that were mutually beneficial for us both. Unfortunately our society breeds this dog eat dog, if you’re not first you’re last, number one or bust mentality. When the reality is there’s enough abundance to go around for everyone. We can all win, someone’s success doesn’t equate to your failure. We can both be great no matter where it all started.

How do you see the world? Are you someone who builds other’s up or knocks them down?