Currently Fighting PTSD

I wanna get back to normal, currently I’m working on finding pleasure in the things I once enjoyed again, before going back to the psychiatrist (who told me my life is cinematic from birth, that’s how unique and crazy it is). It’s hard not controlling your mental state. It’s hard living in fear. I’ve gotten my appetite back, which is good, my sleeping is better, still self-isolating, still have a long ways to go. Once this toxic person is out of my life and I get my financial freedom, I’m sure it’ll get better. I will never interact with Mick Jagger again; fun fact domestic violence cases get fee waivers, now Mick has twenty days to respond.

Looking back at all the proof: missing my friends wedding, Chris Evans, the lies about his heart problems, the fake moves to our home, leaving me in poverty, letting me go to Poughkeepsie to cancel the hotel, asking me for money for Charlie Watts funeral, breaking into my social media, his racist white trash family, not caring that my friend died and SO, SO much more, gaining my trust after I told him what happened to me, only to abuse it, because I’m just an object to him, not a person…I never want to see, or speak to him again. People say, oh he’s old school, what they really mean is he’s a domestic abuser which was acceptable in the old days. He abuses due to his psychopathy. I was tortured mentally and emotionally, I’m not the same about people. Right now self-care for me is healing, one step at a time. How do you take care of yourself currently? Why? Via: Good_Vibe_Girl_Gang

Storing It Gets Heavy, Speak Up!

Since childhood I’ve had trouble using my voice if it means protecting others. Even if they were bad to me. I didn’t want to upset anyone, ruin families, friendships, careers. I thought this toxic trait was dismantled, but it’s not. This lesson was necessary, I never put myself first. These people don’t deserve protection, I DO. They don’t give af about my needs, why should I care about their’s? That’s done now. The therapist said stand up to what’s causing this. I’m not ruining their lives, they are, by being predators, racist, bullies, sexist, complicit…I cannot wait until this is over, so I can be alone, go on vacation. Always taking care of someone else, always saving people. People put me on the back burner, because I put me on the back burner.

True colors is what I’ve seen. My objective in therapy is to get over my PTSD, mainly my concern this will happen again. For years now I’ve been trapped, no one should feel this way. No one’s going to steal my joy, replacing it with trauma. May you all burn in hell, but before you go I’ll give you memorable moments. You will all rue the day that you fucked with me, or aligned against me. Good luck. Athena. Are you standing up for yourself, or storing it? Where does it stem from? Artist: Sky Banyes

Therapy Went Well

To think I almost bailed, but I had really bad PTSD the day before. Writing that I’m a victim of domestic violence, owning that as part of my identity, made me feel ashamed. I completely broke down. It was crippling. I had therapy, which made me feel tons better, because the therapist told me two harrowing stories. She also told me PTSD can go away forever (it happened for her), after I found out on Google that it can be permanent. I felt damaged. How did this happen to me? How could I let it. She told me part of healing is standing up to what’s causing it. So I have and will continue to stand up for myself, facing my abusers.

There is nothing wrong with me. One day I won’t feel this way. I realize I’ve had chronic PTSD for years. Part of why I almost bailed on therapy is due to the trust issues it’s caused me. It’s not fair that I see life through these lenses. I am hopeful I will get better and vacation will help with that. If you’re facing something traumatic you aren’t alone, or broken and therapy helps. Via: Symbolic Magic Art

Shine Bright This Weekend

My writing piece is taking wayyyyy longer than I thought, but at least I’m doing it. Heavy was the cloud hanging over my head until confronting a psychological abuser, who spent half a decade stalking me and let’s not forget the people who aided in this, especially the women. That’s not what I’m writing about now, but it was worth sharing. Why? Because I realized I have PTSD due to a psychopath and now I’m free, but will probably need therapy. What makes me feel guilty is the friends who were subjected to it, to Genc Jakupi, an abuser. I hope everybody shines this weekend. When do you shine your brightest?