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Blessed be, The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives has been renewed for a second season! As they’ve earned. I mean it was eight episodes of life changing perfection. First and foremost I don’t have a TikTok, I watched solely based on the unhinged Real Housewives of Salt Lake City cast. Boy was that a good call, this show is instantly addictive. So nice I watched it twice, incredulous the whole thing wasn’t in fact a fever dream. It centers around Taylor Frankie Paul, an influencer who used the social media platform to confess she’d engaged in soft swinging with other couples. Just when you think they can’t top partner swapping, the insanity literally escalates each episode. As we rejoice for being gifted this extraordinary programming, here are some things we need to keep in mind.

-Taylor Frankie Paul is out of her mind, you can see the crazy in her eyes. The chaos emanating from her screamed Gemini, a feeling I confirmed when looking up her zodiac sign. You have to ask her twice what’s all going on before accepting an invite to her house, sis has no problem luring people under false pretenses. You don’t know if you’re walking into an uncomfortable therapy session, or swinging, but she means well. Her intentions aren’t malicious. It’s giving early aughts bad girl in 2024.

-Realizing all of these women are unhinged, I decided to look up everyone’s zodiac and found an astrological cluster fuck. I’m talking multiple Gemini’s, multiple Pisces, a Taurus and a Leo. A mess. No wonder I felt not to push Layla too far, she’s a March Pisces, as is Leighton Meester look alike Mikayla. Fuck around and find out, they built different. I hope Layla gets that orgasm one day.

-Finding out Mayci is a February Pisces like me, explained why I felt we’re most alike: assuming Jen was murdered, going over to Taylor’s to squash beef with baby daddy Dakota, only to find herself in the middle of them airing their grievances, Dakota meeting her for a car ride where he says she’s self-sabotaging his relationship. This would all happen to me. The way she sat there with no one to cut eyes at as they yelled at each other…I couldn’t believe it. Topping it off is someone messaging her anonymously they had sex with Dakota by accident…I can’t. Dakota also has crazy eyes, like that baby is going to be normal or insane.

–Jen Affleck is alive and well. However she isn’t related to Ben Affleck through husband Zac after all. Could have fooled me, both have gambling addictions. Jen is also a Gemini, explaining that messy baby blessing, where she disinvites people she claimed she never invited, but did. As the breadwinner her husband better mind his business. How dare he try to remove her from Momtok! Not only is it bankrolling his casino money, but putting him through medical school. That being said we need y’all on season two asap! Let her shine, she’s a fucking star! All of them are stars.

–Whitney, Whitney, Whitney, walking around with that 50’s bob doing all that bullshit. A stubborn Taurus who looks like Adele. One of the greatest villains we’ve ever seen. She ruined multiple events Demi’s Galentine’s to start, not showing up to Mayci’s business launch and Taylor’s baby shower. After isolating herself from the group, including leaving the collective chat, she does a 180 and ruins yet another special occasion, by showing up to Mikayla’s birthday. That type of messiness takes courage. Let’s not forget she gave the second best pregnancy reveal on reality television, embedding the test into a cake she intended for her family to eat. Stevie J walking around with one is his pocket and throwing it on the table between Mimi Faust & Joseline Hernandez takes first place. Honorary shoutout to the camera crew for zooming in on the toilet paper stuck to her shoe, it screams Bravo production team level of petty.

–Fruity Pebbles is my favorite cereal, did Demi put them in her cookie for her husband to eat or…I need answers. Finding out her husband is Angie Harrington’s ex lets me know he’s out of his mind.

-I’m still processing Jessi and Demi straight up confronting Whitney for crashing Mikayla’s party. Screaming no one wants you here we don’t like you, yup Jessi’s a Gemini. Anyone who has a problem with her labia surgery needs to worry about their own vagina. It’s her body, who the fuck are you?

The Athenian Age is lit, as promised. Let Utah cook and give that state a lifetime achievement Oscar for pumping out top tier art, and quality stars. We thank you for your service. Did you watch this iconic show? Via: Secret Lives On Hulu

Updated: 10/12/2024 6:52am